While editing my client’s latest novel, I found this phrase, “I thought to myself.”

 

I almost skipped it as it was a familiar phrase, one I’d seen or heard many times before, in novels and on TV. I’d just heard it the night before on an infomercial about male enhancement. When I heard the female prattle on about thinking to herself, I laughed.

 

Who else would she be thinking to?

 

If she thought to someone else, she’d have to be using telepathy. So after a chuckle, I changed it to simply, “I thought.”

 

Now I was on the lookout for other nonsensical phrases we writers use. What could they be?

 

I’m not a romance writer, but I have friends and client who are, so I’m familiar with some of their rules of writing. One issue they have is with moving body parts, such as:

 

His eyes followed her around the room.

 

Okay. When you imagine that one, what do you see? I see a young woman running from door to door in a large room, frantically searching for one that was unlocked, a pair of disembodied eyes floating after her.

 

Not a pretty sight.

 

Here’s another:

 

She stared into dark eyes that fell to the ancient scrolled book on her lap.

 

Can’t you just see this woman looking at a man, when suddenly his eyes fall out of his head and onto the book in her lap?

 

Scary stuff.

 

Yes, I know they’re phrases used all the time, by newbie writers and by the old pros, but that doesn’t make them correct. Seldom will new romance writers use them because most have been cautioned at conferences, by editors, and by their critique partners, to stay away from writing phrases like that.

 

I checked with a friend and romantic suspense writer, Victoria Howard, and she added a few phrases of her own, such as:

 

His eyes probed to her very soul.

His eyes caught and held hers.

His black eyes impaled her.

His eyes bored into her.

His eyes clung to hers, analyzing her reaction.

His burning eyes held her still. 

His eyes were hard and filled with dislike.

His eyes smoldered with fire.

His voice was distant.

Her voice was like silken oak.  (yes, I've actually seen that in a book!)

His voice was cold and exact.

There was an edge to his voice.

His voice grated.   (what cheese?)

 

Her heart sang with delight.  (What song did it sing???)

He pressed her with a relentless enjoyment.

His laugh broke off, his eyes smoldered.

His smile deepened into laughter.

His eyes were full of half promises.

His eyes searched her face, reaching into her thoughts.

His eyes caressed her softness.

She dropped her eyes before his steady gaze. (onto the carpet???)

She tried to catch his eye to communicate with him.

Unseeing, she stared past him.  (If she can't see, how can she stare?)

 

While I’m just as guilty as the next one of writing similar phrases during a first draft, I’m more aware of stamping them out during revision. After all, we want to entertain our readers and wow them with our creative brilliance. We want them to cry over our tender, heartbreaking scenes, not laugh themselves silly because the hero’s ‘manroot sought her tunnel of desire.’

 

© Brenda Hill